But I
Attended another sketchwalk session on Saturday. This time I was able to recognize the regulars and strike some conversations, reminding me of the benefits of a physical art community. There's nothing like seeing an artwork up close, tracing the lines with your fingers while you ask question to the artist. Having been a self-learner, it's refreshing to see how other people approach their crafts. Even something simple such as the way they setup their supplies, the way they mix their paints, the way they apply their strokes can be illuminating.
Most people joining the sketchwalks were eager to talk about their practice, and the session proved to be just as diverse as the previous one. That was not a fluke! At least three families came together for a sketching trip, with children as small as 5. It was a heartwarming sight, them huddled together with their chosen mediums, silent but joyous. As always, amazing the amount of work you could put in before lunch when you corral your time for that. Time is a fluid, mysterious thing.
We were provided snack boxes by the venue, a nice surprise. The break was a good one to catch up with other people, seeing what they brought and sometimes if they would like to share their sketchbooks for my perusal.
Having learned from and teaching various stuff to many people, lately I've begun to think that the mindset of "but I" is one of the most dangerous things to have and something to be aware of, as it's wont to creep up and sabotage us especially in early stages of learning.
Are you familiar with this? You come up to a person you respect/admire, they agree to teach you/give you tips/share their methods, but when they do you start thinking, "But I..."
"But I don't have time."
"But I can't draw that nicely."
"But I'm not that smart."
"But I don't think that suits me."
"But I've never done it that way before."
"But I dislike doing that."
"But I'm not patient enough."
Sample conversations:
"I wish I could join a sketchwalk too."
"Well, you can. Here's the schedules."
"Well, but I can't draw."
"There are literal children. You can start."
"But even the messiest ones look artsy. Mine is trash."
"Someone literally started today."
"But they have talent, I don't."
"How do you progress so fast? I keep hitting a block."
"I try to keep a nonsense sketchbook and doodle whenever I could."
"But I can't do that. It feels like a waste if I don't do a finished painting on my sketchbook."
"How about loose paper?"
"But that doesn't feel right."
To fill a cup you must first empty the cup. It's perhaps one of the most well-known Zen koans. Often, we loathe to discard preconceived notions and refuse to listen even when we were the one asking in the first place.
Sometimes the conversations are simply a form of social niceties with no actual baggage, often it's not. People's circumstances are different so I would not pass judgment for the excuses themselves. Whether or not the excuses are valid is rarely relevant. The mindset causing you to frame the answer that way is. There are several ways to interpret it, but I will focus on the two most important ones in my experience:
First, you are using someone else to validate your incompetence or shortcomings (or perceived incompetence/shortcomings, to be exact), as if to tell yourself "see, of course I can't achieve X, because I do not possess Y." In this case you are not ready to learn. Getting rid of the mindset is your highest priority because it will basically gimp you no matter what. Step one is finding out what you're afraid of and what feelings you are trying to avoid.
Second, the situation is real and you are not ready to learn until it changes and/or be more manageable. Yes, you can start a new habit or learn a new set of skills in the middle of exam season, but it might be ill-advised if you're already struggling there. Step one is assessing what is or isn't within your control.
By posing it as a "but I" problem, we often frame it as something beyond our control, and/or set in stone. Some would think it's the job of an effective teacher to help you overcome the litany of "but I" and in a sense they might be able to, but only if you let them. "But I"s tend to be self-fulfilling prophecies because guess what, the kind of things we say of ourselves matter.
Assuming the activity/knowledge is something you actually want to pursue, instead of "but I", maybe consider, "I see. I've been struggling with painting loosely. Do you have any idea what might get me to let go?" or "I don't feel confident with my drawings, so I might be more comfortable to join if I have some kind of practice first. Any resources for starting out?"
At the very least, give their methods a try as they were imparted. If they say one week, do it for one week. If they say with a particular material, use that particular material. Sometimes we are prone to bending things to our convenience, and blame the teachers when it doesn't produce the results we expected. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it really does not suit us and that's alright.
I'm aware that this comes off rather high horse-y, as usually the biggest barrier is only part of a larger tangle of psychological problems. When one is constantly depressed for example, it might be hard to shake off the feeling that our perception, everything the brain is telling us, every logical jump we make in our brain to justify every little thing we come up with, is the absolute truth. In this case we would have to detangle the issues slowly (and hopefully get support). There is no magic pill and no secret method, though sometimes I've seen shows of human resilience in which the person is shaken hard/enlightened by the most random thing and appear to turn a new leaf overnight.
I digress.
May our study marches on and we have the strength to overcome our obstacles.