Cold Feet
My first foray into alcohol marker was very enjoyable that I began saving up for a better set, preferably a model with brush nibs. Months later, I finally have the money on hand, but I haven't yet pulled the trigger. Doubt creeps in. I have a cold feet about the entire thing. The thoughts of splurging that much feels obscene.
I'm not getting myself top of the line, but even random factory brand alcohol markers cost way more than its art supply brethren. My brain was trying to put the purchase on a screeching halt. Will I use this properly? Am I good enough? Maybe I should just go get the home improvement store white label box again. After all, I do art as a form of play, surely the cheapest possible option would be serviceable?
I realize how ridiculous everything sounds, how they run counter to my own philosophy, and how my head is turning the simple act of buying an art supply into a judgment of virtue. After all, I have budgeted responsibly, I have emergency funds sorted, I have bills accounted for, the money is totally fun money, and the most damning: I have certainly dropped the same amount on Magic: the Gathering before. And books.
But I suppose cards and books don't carry with them the same expectation. I don't have to be good to enjoy reading or playing. I surely don't have to be any good in drawing. The lizard brain doesn't get the memo. Currently, I've decided not to move forward because I'm afraid if I put an order I would be too afraid to actually use the stuff. Now, unused art supplies gathering dust, that's tragedy.
On a more cheerful note, the 14 years old gel pen still somehow refuses to go into retirement. I've doodled a ton, filled another event notebook. Can't even see the remaining ink because this corporate advertisement model has the refill coated with silver foil paint (why though?).
I haven't yet fully recovered and while my bosses find this baffling, I'm the one most frustrated here. My health has been in the gutter for the better part of this decade, but this is the longest stretch I've gone being this low. Usually I get about 1-2 weeks of respite between bouts, spaced just awkwardly enough to mime a functioning person. It could be just me, but it feels like the air outside is just awfully dusty these days.
All to say I need a project I could divert my mind to, something I could do from my bed, could be tucked into odd hours, and wouldn't take too much energy. Probably one that would allow me to fool around with mix media. The answer is very simple, actually. I have expressed multiple times that the sight of the sky from my window is a reminder that I'm alive in the bleakest of days. I just have to draw what I see from day to day, no set time. This will also eliminate the dreaded "what to draw today?" from the equation, and should be forgiving enough even if the only thing I could pick up after working hours is a pen and nothing else.