Mirror, Mirror
With the end of the year drawing near, I felt compelled to enumerate all I've done, all I've achieved, all I have been. It began at first a harmless activity. After all, it's no different than keeping a gratitude journal, surely? But the thought stopped short when I realized that I wasn't collating the picture for myself. It was an act of self-curatorial interest, to paint a picture of a whole, valuable member of the society. I have no social media presence, but I do have a public presence, this blog included. The bug bit me all the same.
I wouldn't have to pretend I need a year in review to reflect on what I'd done, because I keep reloading my itch homepage, flipping through my sketchbook, checking my AO3 profile, thumbing my reading list, visiting my blog... I'm vain. I flip-flop between being satisfied with my "productive output" and unsatisfied depending on the weather.
I think the romance of recaps has mostly gone with the way apps and services are trying to shove it on our face. One of the worst moments I had was when my finance app decided it was a good idea to smack me with a random flashback-recap email in the year I was down with multiple unforeseen emergencies (and along with that, moments I wish never to relive). Wow, thank you for the reminder. These never give me any insight I didn't know previously about myself anyway.
But self-reflection is valuable, and you do you! The end of the year is when work is traditionally winding down and people get space for themselves, so it's not a bad idea in itself. I guess I just want to bring clarity to myself about the process and the purpose instead of burying everything under feel-good, self-aggrandizing excuses.
I do manage to get a lot of things done, somehow, against all odds. Mikko Laksola had written some good pieces recently: the illusion of stillness and productivity is long-term, which is worth keeping in mind whenever you beat yourself up for lounging around on the weekend. I certainly do a lot of self-flagellation over being sick for the week, and one part of me wants to sound "productive" even when out of commission. Truly a difficult mindset to extricate yourself from.
A year is long, a year is short.
Normally, I'm the sort of seize the day person. No use worrying about the far future you can't control. If you want to start something, start it now. If you want to do something, do it now. However, my father's early demise affected me more than I let myself believe. Slowly, a most particular point of doubt began creeping in, nestling itself deep in my heart and putting a deadline on my plans. Consciously or unconsciously, I have lived as if my time would stop at that exact age.
This matter might warrant a closer look at a later date.
A year is long, a year is short.
If you have chosen to publicly list everything you've done, do yourself a favor and try not to compare yourself to any other people. We all live very different lives, under completely different circumstances, with very different sets of resources and obstacles at our disposal. That you live, and continue living, is success enough.
After all, there is no glory to gain when you're dead.