Mirrored W❄️rld

On (Not) Cooking

I've just finished my monthly shopping and refilled my pantry, fridge, and freezer. It's a comforting act, knowing that I'm in a place of abundance and I wouldn't be in want for food even if I lose my job (again) tomorrow. Food insecurity really does stick with you for a long time.

I said I finished my monthly shopping, but that wasn't entirely true. I haven't shopped for the fresh ingredients, the greens, the root vegetables, ... Thing is I have been rather distressed the last three months between my freelance projects and my day job, and I haven't gotten the time and energy to cook. It saddened me that the fog would be so bad I would end up throwing half a bag of a random greens away because they had wilted and waterlogged, and I loathe throwing food away. I had eaten a six-year old piece of salmon with freezer burn fished from a friend's spring cleaning because I couldn't bear to see it wasted (it was edible). The few times I managed to haul my body to the stove, I threw together quick pan-fries that absolutely did not do justice to the ingredients I bought. But it was fast. And I got fed.

I personally think cooking is one of the best act of self-care you can give yourself. I used to cook at nights, so I would have something going in the morning. Having something warm wafting in the air as you wake up is an amazing feeling. My mother was the "if you can't do this perfectly better not do it at all" type, so I didn't get to spend time in the kitchen as much growing up. I did my cooking in random school assignments, which would usually be done in a classmate's home. When I went to college, I got the freedom to pretend I was an alchemist in an atelier. I burnt so many things I could get stains and burn marks out of practically any equipment. I banged at least three pots, but I got to the point where my friends would buy ingredients and ask me to cook for them. High honor.

In my bad days, I felt like a cheat. Yes, I could prepare marinades from scratch. Yes, I make my own stock whenever I could. But just like my games or my drawings, I "kitbash" a lot. Something dried, something fresh, something frozen and something warm. It's not a bad thing honestly, and I'm proud of the results. At the same time however, I kept getting reminded of my own mother and the endless mantra you hear about cooking from scratch. I have since made peace with that, accepting that the way my mother ran the household will not be possible if you don't dedicate your whole day to run the household.

Back when my financial situation was more dire, I homecooked every meal. It drove me crazy. Rice cooker is indeed awesome and you can make decent food by throwing things in and pray, but the ingredients still have to be prepped. Having to chop carrots while also being present in a meeting, or peeling potatoes while waiting for my code to compile, it added up. When my condition improved, I let myself order out if I didn't feel like it (usually the first meal of the day, for which I usually have the least amount of energy). My mom, now an empty nester, actually told me that she would eat out more often now.

That still doesn't solve the fact that in some days I'm just too tired to do anything else. I could choose between doing my job or cooking, and it's obvious what I would rather delegate. Remember, cooking comes with dishes. Dishes you have to wash. But the kind of homestyle meals I like to eat daily is not something you usually see in stores... And the limitation of the body does piss me off a lot. I want to do a lot more. I hate feeling lazy.

But I have also gone through many years like this, so I know there's no use in raging. At the very least, while I'm not planning and cooking my own meals, I make sure to get myself at least two square meals a day and provide ample snacks for me to graze. This is important, because forgetting to eat would send my stomach acid up and my mood+energy level down under, and it would trigger a death spiral that's really hard to get back from. The meager cooking I could manage may not pass an Asian mom test in any muster, but I'm still feeding myself. I read some articles and threads about cooking when drowning a few years back and they were nice. I already did do batches and other tricks when I could, but I was mainly happy to see people sharing tips for the same struggle. If you need some, here.

So I'm working to sweat off the guilt. It's probably safer to hold off the greens until I have a little more leeway in my schedule and it's alright.

If you too, drown from time to time, if you have no energy to "properly" cook, discard "proper". Go for frozen meals. Go for the buttered noodles. Go eat sauces straight from the jar. Just survive. You can cook more if you survive.

Also, one of the nicest things someone can do for you is making sure you don't have to deal with the dishes.

#musings