With Our Heads Held High
When I was in High School, the ones I respected (and envied) the most were the ones who seemed like they had their dreams figured out. Instead of an infinitely expanding road, the path laid out before them were clear, even if not always straight.
"I want to be an animator."
"I want to be a doctor."
"I'll make a breakthrough in electrical engineering."
As a jack of all trades who enjoyed a lot of things but had no particular affinity for anything, I can't even begin to fathom condensing my future aspiration other than getting to a point where I could have my own personal library and study, somehow (heh). Even as a child I was not a cute one, my mindset was very practical. Get myself something I could do moderately well, not particularly bothersome, and have a decent pay. It's a mindset that admittedly does serve me well even if it lacks "romance". You see, childhood dreams are full of unreasonable elements. A doomed industry, an oversaturated field, a faraway goal. But regardless, it's a point to reach for, something these people have worked and would work hard for. It has a shiny edge we can't help but admire, I believe. It's the same reason shonen manga is so compelling: to see people struggle, overcoming hurdles come what may, for the sake of this singular goal, no matter how ridiculous. Life happens. The dreams live on.
But in the decade of intervening years, I've come to respect different kinds of people too: people who quietly put old dreams to rest, people chasing after new dreams, people who reignite the dreams they've once buried. It takes tremendous amount of courage to stop. I don't believe it's cowardly at all. To take that in stride, to continue living despite, and to discover what future has to hold has their own shine. Afterall, as long as you're alive, you can always try again.
But how about the rest of us with no dreams to hold onto?
As I grow up, I have gained trust of many people. They confide in me all sorts of things, but there's a common thread. They are ashamed of not having dreams, or not having one lofty enough. They are ashamed of meandering through life. They all think everyone else have everything figured out while they are just there, existing. Here's a secret: it can be high school, it can be college, it can be the years ahead, but a lot of people may not actually find their "calling" until later in life, or even at all. Here's another secret: you can still have a pretty fulfilling life without one.
I used to take living day by day for granted, but when you think about it to continue living on is pretty amazing by itself. I suffer from executive dysfunction and some recurring mental health problems so going through one day to the next, however uneventful, can be a challenge. We get setbacks. We have good days. We have bad days. It's easy to lose sight of tomorrow. To keep showing up, to put one foot after another, takes courage too. It's just easy for us to dismiss that in a world where achievement is all there is.
Even if there is no singular moment to look forward to, there are many small things to celebrate. The pavement after rain. Your favorite series on a rerun. An old friend coming into town. A fantastic hole-in-the-wall. The sky in the morning. A sibling. It's not always easy to keep yourself going, but as long as we're alive I'm sure we'll end up with many things to cherish. Who knows, you might finally end up having "dreams" of your own eventually. Or not, that's fine.
Not having a path to walk on makes me feel lost at times, but it also means I can pursue whatever whenever. My resume is so chaotic it's always the centerpiece of any interview I attend. It may be circuitous, but I don't think everything I've done is a waste of time. Life works in a mysterious way. I always think everything I do builds on top of the ones before it, and the people I encounter intertwine in such a way that I know I will eventually get somewhere. I don't have the vaguest idea where "somewhere" is, but the journey, thorny as it might be, is alright.
For those with dreams, I hope you'll find your way there.
For those who have to make compromises with their dreams, I hope for the best outcome.
For those who haven't found their calling, I pray that one day you can find one.
Even if you don't, just put one foot after another.
Let's continue living, with our heads held high.